Grieving the loss of a loved one is perhaps the most difficult aspect of the human experience. Everyone has the right to grieve in their own time and in their own way, but for one woman, this solace was denied.
One woman posted to the subreddit r/AmItheA-hole asking for advice on how her late lover’s family is treating her during their grief.
She revealed that her deceased boyfriend’s family wants to throw him a “heavenly birthday party” but she wants to grieve in her own way.
This woman described the experience of tragically losing her boyfriend of eight years. Her boyfriend had a car accident that resulted in him going into a coma and eventually dying. He was a party favourite, got along with everyone and was very sociable. Because of this, his friends and family want to plan a “heavenly birthday party” for him.
The party was to honor him and include drinking, music and dancing. It’s exactly the kind of party he would have wanted if he were still alive. But women say they are not ready to attend such parties.
“It’s only been a month since he passed away and I still feel like I haven’t woken up from a nightmare,” she wrote in a post on Reddit. She’s still on her grief journey, but we know she doesn’t want to be at the party. Instead, she prefers to spend the day alone.
“I like to keep things simple and revisit my favorite places and do things we used to do together. I want to visit his grave and tell him how much I still love him and how much I miss him,” she wrote.
The woman told her boyfriend’s family and friends that she was not ready to attend such a party, but that she could if she wanted to. But her family didn’t understand her thinking this way and was even ashamed.
“They say my boyfriend doesn’t want me to be sad all the time, he wants me to have fun and throw big, loud parties, and I’m just being selfish and disrespectful. claimed to be,” OP wrote.
Users in the comments section stood by the woman and acknowledged her feelings.
One user wrote: “This party may be the best way for someone to heal their grief, but it doesn’t have to be right for you. Rest in peace.”
A second user told a friend’s grief journey story about her partner who died 10 years ago. The friend has since moved away, but left his family on the anniversary of his death, grieving for him alone.
Another user explained that the grieving process is very personal and the OP needs to do what’s best for her. Grief is a personal journey, regardless of what you are grieving.
Research by the National Liberty Of Medicine shows that the body undergoes biological changes when someone is grieving.
These biological changes include increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, heart rate variability, increased cortisol levels, and changes in the immune system. However, remember that not everyone’s body reacts the same when dealing with the loss of a loved one.
Grief also affects the heart. Especially in the case of an unexpected death, the person is more likely to think deeply about the loss and enter a state of depression. Factors such as “gender, attachment avoidance” [the inability to get close to someone for support]…social support, and the anticipation of loss’ all play a role in the grieving process.
All of this goes to show that the OP is not wrong with the idea that she would like to grieve her boyfriend’s death in her own way, and in turn have his friends and family grieve him in their own way.
Tarah Hickel is a Washington-based writer and frequent contributor to YourTango. She focuses on entertainment and news, including viral topics and human articles.
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